Names have been changed to protect the identities of involved parties.
If you are a faithful follower of the Campus Mag blog I am sure you have noticed the unofficial running theme of this and last week; sex.
One of my colleagues went ahead to point out my suspicious silence on the blog these past two weeks. Well, I was suspiciously silent because I wasn’t sure I wanted to take part in the theme. Nothing I have ever written about the subject has ever been blush free and I’d feel awkward posting it. That’s because I am the non-sex writer ugly duckling in the sex writers nest, the black sheep of the Campus Mag Blog family, the flower that refuses to bloom in the CM Blog garden of sex writers… literally I cannot stop thinking of metaphors. But I am sure you get the point; that I was determined to not do anything sex related.
However I ended up putting myself in a certain position this week. The only way I can get out of it is to do this post. So here goes the PG version of everything you have read this week.
After reading the friends with benefits post done by one talented Miss Ivy…
Here’s the link if you haven’t read it; http://www.campusmag.co.ke/sex-or-something-like-that-ep-02/
…my good friend Tom took to my inbox to air out his confession; “My FWB is our live-in house help.”
Well that was unexpected. I mean, I got used to getting random confessions from people inspired by things I write on my status and the blog links I post. But I’m still not sure what to make of this. I know it is common but to me, these were stories I’d read about in Kilimani Mums and novels. Never from someone I knew. So it took a while to reel it in.
Well Tom wants his story told. #Express Yourself. Only he is expressing himself through me. I wasn’t sure how to tell this story. Eventually I settled on a 21 questions interview kind of thing with a bit of my personal thoughts on the side.
First of all, you’ve said your FWB is your live-in house help. Present tense? As in still going on?
Yes. It’s a big house and I have a nine year old sister. We need her. It’s also a lonely house. We only see our parents on weekends.
So how did it all start?
It started after form four. She was new face. Apparently our previous house help quit. A welcome change. This one was good to look at. She has the looks, boobs, an ass. The one before was an old mama. It was lust at first sight. I decided she was the one I would lose my virginity to. We all have our reasons for wanting to be done with high school; mine was for me to start smashing.
Aha, so it started the way so many others have started. I suppose most guys aren’t so sentimental when it comes to losing their virginity. In case you are wondering, he was that study hard, teacher’s pet, straight A’s head boy. So I’m thinking his sex mission was his way of shedding off that perfect boy reputation he had to uphold all through high school.
How old were you and how old was she?
I was 17. She was 27. I know what you’ll think. But is it really abuse if I’m the one who seduced her? I made the first move. And everything was and still is consensual. Besides, I was turning 18 that December.
Yes, I did think it was technically abuse. He was still a minor whose thinking was clouded by hormones. But I also thought in the lines of this was clearly a person who got out of high school with a mission. He was still young yes but young to know any better? Maybe, maybe not. But then I think of how many people had an especially good time in high school funkies. At what point does the hypocritical ethical and legal line get drawn?
What type of moves?
Well first I made sure we got really friendly really quickly. I’d hit on her and you know I have a gift; there is nothing I can’t make sound dirty. Walking around the house shirtless and I would make sure all my bottoms were either short or tight, you know how it is with biking shorts. If I need something ironed, I’d take it to her when I was still wet out of the shower and with my towel on. On the day she finally gave in my towel ‘accidentally’ slipped off and I don’t want to brag but a cucumber has nothing on me.
They always say they don’t want to brag but they are always bragging. I’m not even going to get into this rant about how size doesn’t matter. But if he’s the one who hit on her then she never stood a chance. I’ve seen Tom at work. He never misses his prey. I didn’t help with taming his bragging there, did I?
How exactly does this arrangement of yours work?
It is mostly as your friend described in her post. We agreed no feelings. And made it clear from the very beginning that it would not be a relationship. She saves the relationship stuff for her husband back home. And you know me, I don’t do relationships. It is purely a sex only deal.
That’s always the plan. Then somewhere along the way feelings creep in. And is it just me or does this spell entanglement to anyone else?
We have rules. 1. She is to remember at all times that she is the maid, my employee. Well my parents’ but I am in charge in my parents’ absentia. She should not expect any special treatment from me.
This just sounded like an entire roleplay or fetish kind of scenario to me.
2. I do not get her gifts nor do I assume any boyfriend role. I guess the only boyfriend-y thing I do is ask her how her day was then pretend to listen or care.
I feel like he just defined the definition of boyfriend with such accuracy.
3. No kissing. Whether it’s a good morning kiss or whatever. Your friend was right on this one. Kissing is a very intimate act. Also we have a nine year old running around the house. I don’t have to tell you that we don’t want my parents finding out. So I thank God for her.
Otherwise what are siblings for if not to block you or act as a block for you. I can’t tell you the number of times I have used my baby brother as an excuse to cancel plans with people.
4. No one spends the night in the other’s bedroom. Actually, we don’t make it a habit to do it in either one of our bedrooms. We use the guest room. Or the sofa. Sometimes the floor.
Note to self; Beware of guest bedrooms. And sofas. I was tempted to ask about the kitchen. I have been to their kitchen. Spacious counter tops.
5. No emotions. We don’t smash when either one of us is feeling happy or is in an extreme good mood. Even if it’s sad or depressed or when she fought with her husband and is in need of comfort. It’s like we look for moments when we are both bored. We don’t even do shower sex. This is another thing that has always felt intimate to me.
You have to admit; you never thought about this rule, did you? I guess maybe there is a reason why the “I’m here for you” girl best friend or guy best friend is a threat to relationships worldwide.
How often do you smash?
We live in the same house so it’s as often as we want. We’ll just ask each other “Unataka?” and then we just find a way to keep my sister occupied. And my parents’ only come home over the weekends so it’s not like we try to squeeze it in whenever we can afraid of getting caught.
Even the way they ask for it is completely unromantic. Damn! All bases covered.
Are you two exclusive? Or do you sleep with other people?
Yes. And she knows that. She does the same. We practice what we have learnt out there on each other. I have learnt all my best moves from her. Keeps things fun. Protection goes without saying here. Also my parents have a rule, every three months they take her for testing; HIV and other diseases. So she knows to be careful. I do the same by the way. The only other thing I fear more than getting a girl pregnant is an STI.
This one is new to me. Do other house helps go through this? Also, it is so refreshing to hear that a guy gets it. I have never understood why pregnancy scares the shit out of people. Babies end up being the best mistake of your life for better or worse. Diseases end up being the last mistake of your life and they are never for the better.
What happens when it stops being fun?
I don’t think it will ever stop being fun. FWB can never stop being fun. It’s all the perks of a relationship minus the drama and unnecessary commitments plus all the up sides of having a really cool friend. In as much as I am selling this as empty sex it’s not as if I am having sex with a samantha. We really are good friends. And in my opinion the climax of good friendship is when the other teaches you moves so sick in bed, that your other hook ups keep coming back to you. I think all guys should have an older woman who educates them sexually. And all older women should have younger guys, especially the ones in campus, because we are broke.
Well I can’t confirm or deny this for you. You’ll just have to be his customer to testify. But I have heard that broke remark a couple dozen times. That broke guys are not lazy in bed. They hit those ovaries like they owe him money.
What about the day you want to get into a relationship where you have to be monogamous? I know you say you don’t do them and you don’t want them but indulge me, what will happen then?
Even though that is an impossibility, we have a rule, if I ever get into a relationship then all sex between me and her stops. Although I will still try to talk the girl into a three way with her.
Am I jealous of or pity the girl that agrees to be seen publicly with him as a couple? I can’t decide.
What about her husband?
What about her husband? They are not even married. It’s a come-we-stay arrangement. And can you honestly tell me he does not have a side chick somewhere?
Someone got defensive here so I just stepped away from this question.
Does your little arrangement affect your sister somehow?
Yes, I had to ask. I have a code, do whatever the hell you want just as long as you don’t hurt others.
Sex with her is great, she is the best I have ever had. And I have had a lot of sex so trust me that is saying something. But no kind of sex can make me put it in front of my sister. I like to think that she works hard at her job because she knows she won’t get another kind of deal as good as ours that easily. Let me keep thinking that, it’s a good ego boost. Also, even though my parents are never around, they are still neat freaks. They have never complained about her or her work. And what my sister doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
And that right there are FWB goals.
I’m sure there are many other Tom’s out there with even more stories to tell. And to those Toms I say; contact me. Let’s find a way to express you. We can do without my snarky comments.