Let’s talk pick-up lines.
There is nobody on this planet immune to them.
Over the week, I have asked my friends for best, worst, funny, creative pick-up lines ever used on them. Some of the lines people use are so bad that they are actually good. Others are just plain bad. I am sure you will all recognize some of the things I got. So let’s look at the lengths some guys will go to to get a girl’s number, shall we?
Note: I got my replies over text. So I mostly paraphrased some of these.
- I was eating a lollipop as we waited for a matatu hapo KU. He had been staring at me for a while. Then he goes; “I bet your lips are as sweet as that sweet.”
- He came up to me and asked, “Can I sleep with you?” You can imagine the look on my face. Which I think is what he was going for. And then he goes “I lost my cute doll yesterday. Can I sleep with you instead.”
- If this country had a shilling for everytime this line was used as a pick up line, I think we’d have enough to pay off all our debts to the Chinese and the World Bank.
“Have we met before?”
And it’s twin sister,
“Do I know you from somewhere?”
- I don’t know who normalized this one but can we unnormalize it. The one where you call me some random girl’s name and you go on and on about how you’ve missed me and don’t see me anymore around this place (Has anyone ever noticed how it’s always a place you’ve never been?)
- “I had a dream about you last night.” And he didn’t just stop there. He then went on to tell me how his dreams are visions.
Lakini why do people feel the need to involve God in these things?
- “God truly answers prayers.” I actually thought this was one was preaching to me. It would have been better if he was preaching. “You’re the answer to all my prayers.”
- I was still new in the church and I bested him in an argument at the bible study group the youths have after church. After, he came up to me and said “You’re my soulmate.” I got confused so I just looked at him. “No one has ever been able to win an argument with me. God told me the day I meet someone who can out argue me, then I will have met my equal. And she was the one I am destined to marry.”
- “Give me your number.” The guts these men can have. Without even a simple hello or asking my name. I usually tell them that I don’t have a phone.
- “I want to have children with you.” Literally I could feel my uterus building a steel wall all around.
- “Can I get your number?” The entire time his eyes were on my boobs.
- “I know that ass!” He is lucky all I did was just walk away from him. In what world is telling someone that “I never forget an ass and yours is the most beautiful I have ever seen” even come close to a pick up line?
- He came to me and gave me a flower. “This is for you.” For a minute there I almost got swept off my feet. Until he opened his mouth again, “I figured I should do something nice for you first before I do the nasty to you.”
- Does it count if he never actually said anything to me? He just wrote his name and number on a piece of paper and gave it to me.
- He asked for my mother’s number instead. What was that all about?
- He was the m-pesa attendant so he took my number from the book.
- “Screw me if I’m wrong but you want to kiss me, right?” In all fairness he had caught me staring at him several times.
- His friends picked me out from the study villas and dared him to come get my number. He didn’t even try to act smooth. We basically played a game of Simon says. Coincidentally, his name was Simon. I smiled when he told me to and acted flattered when he told me to as he explained how his friends consider him way too shy to pick up a girl. To date I still don’t know why I went along with this. But he was cute so I did give him my real number.
- I accidentally went home with his hat. The next day, ‘I’m like “I’m really sorry I went home with your hat”. And he goes “Yes, you went home with my heart.”
- I was in a hotel in town. Having lunch. Minding my own business. They guy just drops at my table and sits across me. We then just stared at each other until it got awkward then he said “I’m sorry, I’m just really weird and super shy. I forgot what I came to say to you.”
- “Hi, I’m Jahmo. And you are?” I never told him my real name though. “Now we are officially not strangers. Can we chat for a while?”
- “Would you like to be my not-my-girlfirend?” I think I knew what he meant but I still asked for clarification. “Someone I enjoy life with and do stuff with that would constantly require me to always remind people around us that you aren’t my girlfriend.”
That’s all I had for today folks!!!